you are my destruction

I’m being haunted by a ghost.
He’s never really there,
but sometimes he makes a sound,
and makes me think I’m not alone.

He’s like cigarettes to me;
they both destroy me slowly,
but I can’t stop reaching for them when I’m low.

He doesn’t know how to love;
he can only run away.
But I, when I feel something,
I run towards it with all my heart.
I’m not afraid to love,
and I’m not scared of ghosts.

ellerin (your hands)

your hands,
always seeking mine to hold for comfort;
at night, wielding a knife to cook for me;
when you write, holding your pen the wrong way,
and holding on way too tightly;
your hands, my love,
are precious to me.

they are calloused from work;
there’s dust under your fingernails.
still,
even if divine angels came down from heaven,
and reached their holy hands out to me,
I would reach for yours instead,
because your hands, my love,
ellerin,
they captivate me, then set me free.

anorexia

My brain is trying to kill my body slowly:
“You ate yesterday; you don’t need to eat today.”
What kind of self-destructive reasoning is that?
Anorexia:
skip meals all day; eat cake at night.
You need those calories, after all,
but they make you feel more tired than before.
Get a hold of yourself; you’re an adult!
Besides, what’s so bad about being fat?
“You won’t fit your favorite clothes.”
So what? You’ll buy some new ones.
“You want to be the smallest person in the room,
don’t you?”
Yeah,
and I hate it.

openness 📖

How much would you like to know about me?
You can care only so much.
You don’t want to know every struggle
that every individual goes through.

How much do you really want to know
about my background, sexuality, passions, and loves?
Maybe we can connect
if you find a thread that ties us together.

Do you really want to know
what makes me sad, angry, indignant?
Will you grow hateful and malicious,
if we don’t see eye to eye?

Before I lay myself out in the open,
before I strip my heart bare,
I just wanted to ask:
do you really want to know me?

⚡ADHD⚡

I forgot what I was going to say;
it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Here comes a torrent of new thought;
do I have it in me to make sense of it all?

My hands long to be busy;
my toes will not stop wriggling in anxiety.
Peace is a concept foreign to me;
although dad says it can be found in piety.

I no longer have faith, so I won’t pray
to God to cure my ADHD.
I just take it day by day,
and hope that I can just be.

Galen Leather Review 📔

I first ordered from Galen Leather a few weeks ago and I have been using their journal covers ever since then. They are a small company based in my hometown, Istanbul, and they have received a lot of attention in the recent years due to the online journaling community. They sell handmade leather products, office supplies, and journaling supplies on their site. I am very pleased with the quality of material and the functionality of their products. Overall, I would recommend every item featured in this review. (However, I haven’t used the leather balm yet, so I can’t say whether I’d recommend it.) As always, I am not being paid, nor have I received anything for free, to write this review.

My First Order:

Leather Zippered A5 Folio – Green
& Leather A5 Notebook Cover – Purple

Leather Zippered A5 Folio – Green:

I am using this cover for when I’m on the go, and want to carry just one thing instead of a whole handbag. It’s very convenient that it has card slots.

Pros

  • Beautiful color and material
  • iPad Mini sleeve
  • Removable key holder
  • Zippered
  • Card slots
  • Removable pen holder

Cons

  • When used with a thick notebook, an iPad does not fit in the sleeve; it kind of fits, but the zipper will not close.

Leather A5 Notebook Cover – Purple:

I use this cover daily to hold my Tekukor A5 journal.

Pros

  • Beautiful color and material
  • iPad Mini sleeve
  • Card slots
  • Elastic cover band

Cons

  • When used with a thick notebook, an iPad does not fit in the sleeve.
  • The strap at the top is not a snap closure; it’s not able to open.
  • The purple is a little darker than the image at Galen Leather’s online shop.

My Second Order:

Leather Slip-N-Zip Zippered Pen Pouch – Brown
Detachable iPhone Leather Wallet Case
Wood Desk Organizer – Pen and Tool Holder – Mahogany
Wooden Washi Tape Dispenser – Mahogany (2)

& Leather Balm

Leather Slip-N-Zip Zippered Pen Pouch – Brown

I am using this pen pouch as a clutch. I love that the pen holder is removable, so I can just put my slim wallet and phone in and go!

Pros

  • Beautiful color and material
  • Removable pen holder
  • Zippered

Cons

  • None, to be honest.

Detachable iPhone Leather Wallet Case

I did not like this product as much as I thought I would. The magnets are not very strong, and the case doesn’t stay closed if I put cards in it. 😢

Pros

  • Beautiful color and material
  • Card slots
  • Detachable phone case

Cons

  • Magnetic closure does not close when cards are in the wallet; the magnets are not that strong.
  • The ID screen is not transparent.

Wood Desk Organizer – Pen and Tool Holder – Mahogany

I am using this product to hold my Cricut accessories and paper crafting supplies.

Pros

  • Variety of slots: 4 big holes and 10 small holes
  • Beautiful color and material
  • Sturdy; does not fall over

Cons

  • None, to be honest.

Wooden Washi Tape Dispenser – Mahogany (2)

I am using this product to easily access my (too many) rolls of washi tape and dispense them with ease.

Pros

  • Beautiful color and material
  • Holds many tape rolls
  • Metal dispensing tab

Cons

  • The wooden roll to hold the tapes is a little too thick for some of my smaller washi tapes.
  • When stacked, you cannot use the bottom dispenser.

Leather Balm

I have not used this product yet. Therefore, I cannot offer my opinion on it.

baby fever

I never want to be a mother.
Even though,
I love to teach,
and I yearn to help a child
see life through the lens of beauty.

I never want to be a mother.
How could I be a good parent,
when I never learned the ways,
from my mother who once said:
“You were the biggest mistake
I have ever made.”

I don’t want to be a mother,
but I do
want to cook for a child and say:
“Look at all the different ways
that you can make eggs;
which one do you like the best,
my love?”

landscape

I have no poetry in me;
in me, there are valleys
full of dark memories,
there are rivers foaming against the rocks,
full of incomprehensible thoughts and anxieties.

In me, there are mountains,
made of challenges I am yet to overcome;
struggles with my sense of self-worth,
fear of the unknown,
a cruel view of my own self.

There are dark clouds made of past mistakes,
threatening and ominous,
obscuring a blue sky full of hope,
nevertheless,
the sun shines through,
and love endures.

💕Favorite Journaling Supplies 🖋

I have been writing for as long as I can remember; in notepads, on scrap pieces of paper, in the margins of my books, and even in my graphing calculator when I could get away with it at school. I started journaling more consistently in May of 2016. My first “bullet” journal was a black Moleskine with square grid pages. I experimented with layouts, scrapbooking, junk journaling, etc. My first journal is full of doodles and poetry in the margins around my wish lists, daily tasks, and the like.

While doing all this journaling and doodling, I had the opportunity to test out a number of different notebooks and journaling supplies from various brands. I would like to share some of my favorite products with you in this post. Please note that I am not getting paid to recommend or review any of these items.

Notebooks

Pick Mackerel A5 Dotted Notebook by Tekukor
Pick Mackerel A5 Dotted Notebook by Tekukor

Pink Mackerel by Tekukor
A5 160 gsm Dot Grid Notebook

I use this notebook for daily journaling. It is my favorite notebook for the following reasons:

  • Thick, bleedproof, smooth paper (do not expect your alcohol-based/copic markers, to work with this, however)
  • 5mm dot grid that aligns well across pages
  • Beautiful hardcover design
  • 3 color coordinated satin bookmarks
  • Well constructed material
  • No unnecessary index/key pages
  • Numbered pages
  • Back pocket and pen loop
  • Elastic cover band

For a more in depth review, see this post.

Leuchtturm1917 - A4+ Master Slim Dotted Notebook
Leuchtturm1917 – A4+ Master Slim Dotted Notebook

Leuchtturm1917 – A4+ Master Slim Dotted Notebook – 100 gsm

I use these notebooks for my work journal (lesson plans, tasks tracking, etc.) and scrapbooking. The size and paper weight make it perfect for those uses.

Pens

Sakura Pigma Micron 05
Sakura Pigma Micron 05

Sakura Pigma Micron 05

I have all of the colors of this pen, and use it daily for journaling. It dries very quickly, and doesn’t smudge. If you prefer gel pens instead, I would recommend the Pilot G2 series.

Staedtler Triplus Fineliner
Staedtler Triplus Fineliner

Staedtler Triplus Fineliner

Excellent pen for coloring and daily journal use. Dries quickly and lasts a long time.

Highlighters

Zebra Mildliner Double Ended Highlighters
Zebra Mildliner Double Ended Highlighters

Zebra Mildliner Double Ended Highlighters

These highlighters comes in beautiful colors and do not bleed through.

Brush Tip Markers

Tombow Dual Brush Pens
Tombow Dual Brush Pens

Tombow Dual Brush Pens

These pens work very well for brush lettering. They have an excellent assortment of colors.

Prismacolor Brush Tip Markers
Prismacolor Brush Tip Markers

Prismacolor Brush Tip Markers

These markers are easier to use than the Tombow pens due to their size, but do not offer much variety in color. The tips are resistant to fraying, unlike the Sakura brush pens.

Zebra Mildliner Brush Tip Markers
Zebra Mildliner Brush Tip Markers

Zebra Mildliner Brush Tip Markers

These brush pens are dual tipped. They offer beautiful pastel colors for journaling.

I know most of these products are already crowd-favorites, but I still wanted to share my all-time favorite journaling supplies with you. I did not include any links, because my aim is not to make money off of this post. You can find them all on Amazon.